WARNING: If you are coming across this post and you don't know me as a person, I encourage you to find more about me before making any judgement calls about what you'll find in this post. It's very personal, but this is also where I have adult conversations. I'm raw, transparent and there is a lot of pain in this post. Your eyes may not be dry by the time you are done reading and watching. This is but one or two pixels in the huge 4k screen resolution that represents my life. If you want to judge me based on these few pixels and nothing more, well then... you are equally worth that many pixels to me.
[EDIT: 2022-01-11] ALSO NOTE: There's value in both the text and the video here. Both talk about different things as I wrote the text up before and after the video was created. Some of my posts, I try to keep the content the same, but here, I could only think of certain things whether on camera or typing it out. [/EDIT]
It's a difficult time for me because I found and fell in love with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with on that day, Jan 10th, 2018. We had some really good times together.
The ending was not so great and I am not happy with the outcome. I always wanted there to be peace and at least cordiality. It seems that has even broken down now and we can't move forward with anything. If I seem more off in the coming days, you'll know why. I am tired of the same episodes running around in my head over and over again, making no progress in development or increasing my ability to continue to improve in life.
My only hope in life is that we can some day at least come together as friends. I know the relationship is done. The truth is, I watched him because he couldn't give me a straight answer, not because I feared he was cheating on me. He was so silent and closed off, it was really hard to read him even when he did answer my questions. It felt like he was holding something back. My insecurities were rooted in the idea that I wasn't enough even though I tried to be for him, and me at the same time. He was my first puppy love. He was what I should have experienced in middle or high school, but never got the chance because I was always that socially awkward kid even among socially awkward people. I know I obsessed over him to the point it was unhealthy. I was getting better at this by letting go of my unnecessary attachments.
When I finally figured out everything I needed to know -- I said OK! Let's do this right, then! He is on board. Let's clean up all this crap, and let's start doing the things that I need in order to make this successful and work well for us both. It was a huge life decision... Let's just say I didn't take that decision lightly and wanted to be absolutely certain. You see -- I don't like to gamble unless I see my odds of success are worth the risk.
To now have seen that he can't withstand the test of time shows me that he wasn't what I wanted or expected. It's safe to say that nobody will ever lead up to my expectations of what will come to be, so I have dropped my expectations. After all: Expectations are nothing more than resentments waiting to happen. Instead, I am replacing them with goals, guidelines and desires & wishes. I have proven to myself that if I want something done, it gets done with gusto. I have shown that I am able to manifest what I want in life to myself. I have shown myself love in 2022 that I never showed myself in the past. It sounds incredibly narcisist to say this but: I'm fucking incredible! As of late, I have been questioning this heavily: Why just one? Why am I looking for "The One" to fulfill my life, goals, destiny and share a future? Why deprive myself the goodness that could come from sharing with many?
Let's face it: The reality is many faces will enter and leave our lives. From cradle to grave, who will really be there to see it all through? The self. So like they say: Take care of number 1 first. That's not to say that you need to go and deprive everyone else, no. I say we should all be narcisist enough to survive at a baseline. That's probably as narcisist as I want to be. As soon and as long as I am taken care of: I want to provide abundance to others as well who may not be able. I want to build policies and structures that enforce that and ward away the ones that just want to take advantage and take without contribution. How can we improve as a society and as a herd? How can we build ourselves to be smarter in groups, not dumber?
I am taking a more macro approach to life and letting the love thing sit in the background. After all, I am not denying myself how I feel. Some people give me a sense of comfort. Many give a night to share in their beds. I get everything I want and need from a relationship without a relationship. Plenty of men are out there just dying for some attention, affection, caring and sharing. I feel compelled to join them. To give that gentle touch. To connect and to feel. To bond and to live among as many as time will permit. I'm just mousing around, trying to find my way in this big world.
I am creating this as a memorial to what was once a beautiful thing that has now been soured by time because it wasn't nourished. It was left outside in the cold to die all alone and now one of us is incredilby unhappy and it pains me he's been left this way. This poor man has been treated so poorly all his life and I feel terrible for him, but something that I can't stop nagging over is that he chose this. He elected to run instead of working with me on some kind of future. He chose to be alone out there at Rainbow Ranch where he works and avoids mingling his personal life with his work life. He chose to lock me out of his life. Now he's missing out. He may have seller's regret, who knows. It's one thing to be the victim -- it's another thing to continue to play the victim. I admitted fault. I made an effort to correct. I did everything I could for as long as I could. I went to therapy, I got help, I continued to evolve and grow into a better person. From what I could tell, he stayed stagnant. Stuck in the past that is his misery. Then again, he won't talk to me to share his story of evolution, growth, what he is learning or how he is getting better. Anytime I called him out on his faults, all he would do is deflect and throw the ball back in my court like I was supposed to do something to make him a better person. I called him out on this from the start that it was a 1-sided love. Cute sentiment, but it'll only get you so far and it'll only last so long without nourishment before it does wither and die away.
I only hope we can be friends at some point. It would be nice to see him at Rainbow Ranch again. I have no gratitude to give anyone at the Ranch because I got no invites to join otherwise. If you missed me having fun with ya'll out there, then send me an invite. I don't have a place to stay out there. The rooms are always booked from what I saw especially when I would want to go and see events. I'm sure it would be nice to have me visit from time to time, given the parameters of our relationship could have changed to something more amicable... It would be nice to at least take the nice things we did enjoy and share those again without some long-term expectation of crap. After all... it was just irrational thinking. One of the things I hated about being a human that fell in love.
Now, I understand why Shakespear said it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. I had my love. My life love was Bill Rayburn. Nothing will change that. I will love him until the end of my days. I'm not seeking anything else because he was it. Now it's gone. If he will continue to be a coward and run away, then block me and judge me. If that's what you are going to do, then just get on with it. Things always were on your terms and at your convenience anyways. Might as well just wait until it's convenient for you to decide to really ban me from your life...
However, I still want to be friends. I want you to reach out to me. I want you to desire something. I always wanted you to have a damn say in our relationship. I got tired of always driving, constantly making decisisons for the both of us. I wanted you to be present. I wanted you to have a say. I wanted you to use your voice. Now: You have the ultimate opportunity to be my friend instead of me being yours. Now you have a chance to actually show up. I'm putting this as a testament to my words I have never uttered to anyone else: I meant it when I said I will love you for life as long as you let me.
Was I really such an evil person for wanting to know for certain what I am getting into? For making a life decision with someone else and making sure I knew everything from birthdate to pattern of life. That's what it means to share a life with someone else, right? I'm sorry I set unrealistic expectations. Lesson learned. A real apology is when there is a change in behaviour. I'm changing mine, but you have to WANT it too... If you don't express that desire, the universe and nobody else can deliver on that wish.
No comments:
Post a Comment