Relationships

As you read this post and see answers to my questions, I want to challenge you to answer the same questions for yourself. Think of this as that TikTok challenge that goes "What is <some problem you have to deal with>? I'll go first."
If you have to, think of the answers to yourself before you read mine, write them down, and compare notes afterwards. Let's appreciate how diverse our positions 😈 can be...
Let's also appreciate just how difficult these seemingly innocent and simple questions are for some people and possibly yourself. It took me 33 years to put these answers together and what's more: The answers and definitions could change in the future as I am exposed to more of what this life has to offer.

One more note: This post wasn't meant to be skimmed. If you don't have the mental capacity for this, find a quiet time and come back when you're ready. Also, you don't have to take it all in one-shot. This isn't some magazine you can just glance at the photos. This is deep thinking here. Also, don't take too much of face-value at my words. I chose them carefully, but also, I am speaking from a very macro-view which may involve metaphors and similies. You know, those English constructs we use to marry ideas together so people can make sense of stuff. I am not the Almighty Arbiter of All Truth, so don't hold me to such a responsibility. This is my NSFW or Not-Safe-For-Work blog after all. Adult conversations are had here as well. I expect you are an adult and a human with a conscious brain, not a pre-programmed keyboard monkey reacting to every detail that doesn't fit in your little box of a world (albeit, with some behaviours I've seen out there, I am likely to think that statement was offensive to Monkeys because .... let's face it, some of them are smarter, sharper and much better behaved than some of those Karens out there). So, with that said, come with a can of ActRight™ if you're gonna leave a comment or haggle me in real life next time you see me. 😉

For the audio version of this post, see here:

What is a Relationship to you?

Relationships are forged over time. I say forged because they are definitely not baked and they definitely are not microwaved.
Relationships born overnight won't last until the morning.
Relationships built on a fragile foundation will surely crumble and collapse like the house of cards they turned out to be.
I have learned that the most important relationship of all that we should ever have with anyone in this world is ourself. The relationship we give and have with ourself is the most important because it's the longest lasting relationship we will ever have. All the faces and lives you will ever touch in your brief existance here on this plane, in this timeline and on this Earth will be temporary and will change over time. My relationship with myself must be on good terms. I am going to live with myself for the rest of my life, after all. It's a sentiment that seems so simple on paper or in text, yet in practice is so elusive. It helps to know who I am, which, you're in luck, I happen to have also answered that question on this post. Once you know who you are, you can begin to build a relationship with that.

What kind of relationship do you want?

A relationship with me as far as someone else is concerned? Relationships mean responsibility. Relationships are work. Are you ready to put in the work? I have a lot of responsibility as it is. I have a mountain of stuff I want to accomplish before the end of may days here on this Earth. Some of these things I need to accomplish before I die or you might as well slit my throat and wrists and watch me die now. That's the kind of resolve I have to accomplish some of the things I want to do in life. The way I see it: I have things I need to do or I have no purpose here on this planet. With no purpose, I have no life. With no life, I have no reason to continue on, so I do. That's what you're supposed to do here, right? Live your life and fulfill your purpose. If you don't have a purpose, define one and see it though.

I refuse to give my life purpose to any other human other than myself because nobody will be there for me but myself. People say they want love and a relationship and all but at the first sign of trouble, they are running for the hills. People don't want to put in the work for the long haul because we are all too busy dealing with our own crap. So tell me where does someone else fit in the picture if I am supposed to care about myself?

A relationship with me means matching me in wealth and income, match and exceed me in financial education and security. Match and exceed me in emotional strength and security, love yourself and live for yourself, but not at the expense of others. Match or exceed me in intelligence. Have a solid spiritual ground. Be open to both adventures and doing nothing (sometimes the moments doing nothing are the best ones). See me over time. See me evolve. See me grow. Grow with me. I may not be the same person next year, 5 years from now, 10 years from now. Understand that TIME plays a significant factor in any relationship. I want a relationship where every day spent together was the best day of our lives because we spent every day in that moment and celebrated it together. I want there to be no regrets being depressed over the past or anxious about the future. What kind of relationship do you have if it is full of worry? A relationship that is forged in the bowels of hell and crystalized to be tougher than steel, yet still elegantly put together to be more beautiful than diamond. [Reference the cup from: The Forest Test]   If, after 20-25 years we look back and see all we did, then we can pat ourselves on the back for having done what we did.

I see some people meeting each other, engaging in a relationship before they even know each other and wishing for congratulations to their happiness. Yes. A toast to a night of glory. For you may be happy now, but what happens when the pheromones don't make the same majik or that spark dies between the two of you? What happens when some element that brought you together is no longer present, will your relationship last then? Can you stand the test of time?

To some, a relationship is treated like I treat sex: I'll do it with anyone willing that I find attractive enough and who cares how long it lasts, as long as we're in a relationship, right?

I'm just a bit more selective than that with my relationships.

I don't say this to challenge the universe to bring this into my life. I say this to challenge the people around me: Do you really want to take me on full-time? Do you know what you're asking for here? To take me on full-time, I know I am not easy to live with. I am fickle. I can be moody. I am deep; constantly in my head. Your brain will not rest around me. My sex drive is high, but also has seasons. Sometimes, I am a raging bull and need to pound until you're raw. Other times, I am so insatiably hungry, there isn't enough cock to fill either of my holes. Still other times, I don't care for or want sex for a week. I am a "switch" as they call it. I must have both. Don't always need it all in one sitting (sometimes, I just have the mind for one for that session), but it must be present in my life. For the most part, I feel like I must have sex every day at least once a day. Again, I have my seasons, but there is a nice happy-medium gray area in there too.

I know I am not ready to take on your responsibility. I have done enough of catering to everyone else to make everyone happy. At least for now in my life. For now, I just need to continue to put me together until I feel satisfied with what I have built for myself. I don't know what a future looks like. Will you go on this journey with me, will you be a bystander, will you be left behind, will you burn in the ashes of the wake of the Phoenix, or will I see you on the other side once you have found yourself on your mountain? I have no idea. I set no expectations because they are just resentments waiting to happen. I try to hold no anxiety over the future by not stressing about it, rather, just plan for it as best I can. Planning means creating a desire, putting it out there to the Universe and doing the things you need to do in order to make it more likely to happen. Right now, all my cameras are pointed inwards to myself and I am focusing on myself for just this time. I don't know what I will see later. I don't know who I will be later.

What is Love to you?

Love is irrational. Love is blind. Sparked by pheromones, love seems kind.
A kniving, mesmerizing snake in baby kitten clothing, love bypasses your rhind.
I got a love-hate relationship with love and that is no lie.
Love seems so sweet, I think I might die.
When it comes to love, "stupid" is what comes to mind.

To me, there are many different... "flavours" to love (I said "layers" at first until someone mentioned "faces" to me. I didn't like the idea of beady little eyes staring back at me, so I chose "flavors" 😊 ).
Lust: First, most easily identified is the lust that people often mistake for love. The pheromones that increase sex drive and make you wish you could hold on to this "forever". Basically, you just want a place to put your cock at night and that's what you are feeling. There's nothing wrong with it, just be real about it.

Proximity: There is another flavour that comes about as a result of spending time with someone. If you spend enough time with anyone for a long enough period of time, you will develop some kind of proximity attachment towards them. It's not what I would call "real" love, just circumstantial. Remove the element, and the love is gone.

Care: Another flavour I have discovered and felt myself is a genuine care for someone. You have more of a fear of losing this person than you do other people in your life. You care about this person's well-being, what they do, or even if they are doing nothing at all but just gabbing with you and sharing stories and memories. This is a love that is typically created as a result of getting to know someone and spending some time with them. This is different from proximity love because it's not just being around the other person that causes the draw or magnetism between. Proximity is like "just because" whereas real care for someone is "because I want".

Bond: This kind of love, I suspect, is possibly more common than we may realize. This is the connection you establish with others that you develop a sense of Care for them, but also it could be sexually unrelated. Solid Friends often share this that binds their connection to each other. This is deeper still than just caring for someone. A bond represents some kind of connection between folks.

Devotion: This is a deep love that can only ever be had after sharing a hardship together. The loyalty and devotion you share to someone is something (IMHO) that can only ever be seen after you've had some kind of struggle and you pulled through it together. You learned a lesson at the same time or some great event in life really bonded you to this person. Your fear of loss is great. Your appreciation for their presence is greatly appreciated and even sought after. Your dedication to being part of each others life is paramount. People often want this kind of love, but fall very short and flat on their face trying to acquire it. This kind of love runs both ways and must be shown over time.

Love to me is shared by many, has different flavours and should be limited by who you see or what you do. You should have the freedom to feel what you feel. What you do about it is a completely different animal. Love is a fleeting feeling that is nothing more than chemicals firing off in the brain that often make you do irrational things. I don't like love because of what it makes me do. I do like love because of how it makes one feel.

What is Sex to you?

This is a good question to think to yourself, dear reader. I've seen a variety of answers as many see it differently and share it differently among others. I think it's good to identify that at least for yourself to really enjoy the experience shared between people in this way.

What is it to me? A fun time between two or more consenting adults. Sex to me is like going out for drinks, hanging out with friends, going out to see a movie. Not necessarily something you should be doing in public. I don't care to see someone else's business on the street. However, the context is there to help understand more or less how I value Sex. For some, it's a lifetime commitment, a serious ordeal and a heavy consideration to make. I believe this to be a social construct that we've contrived for ourself to try to fit humanity into a box. I don't agree with this. Sex is a primal need just like hunger and thirst. Should you only accept food from a single source and stake your survival on that source? Should you stake your future on a single source for water? Why do we apply this construct to Sex? Why do we associate sex so much and so well with love? Sex is pleasure. Sex is proliferation. To me, sex is a way for men to accomplish their goal of planting their seed. Sex can also be a pasttime or a way to pass the time.

Sex is important to me. I am what they call a "switch". I have to have both. Flip fucking is fun, but rare. I don't require flip fucking, but I do keep a nice balance of Tops and Bottoms in my life. Some people just give off that energy. Seeing them in the other light kinda throws things off and it doesn't feel the same. Some get type-casted into a certain role. Some prefer one way more than the other. Some do legit flip-fuck. Sometimes, the head-space isn't quite right for flip-fucking.

I am also finding out that I have a drive that seems higher than most people. I don't know that I am nymphomaniac level high, but definitely more than most. I know I am living someone's dream because it feels too good to be true, but I have amazing, glorious sex almost every day! I find myself allotting one day a week to myself, which feels healthy to me. I do what I can to be safe about it. Like Benny Bennassi said, I love my sex. I also love that I am not lost in searching something deep within my hole. I see some guys who seem to have lost their soul in the search for some conquest. Nothing but the physical aspect of it remains. I need feeling. I need mental stimulation. I need to find you attractive too! If I am going to Top, I need to find you attractive to get hard, I need to like you if I am going to fuck you and I need to feel something for you if I am going to cum in you. My dick don't work like it did in my 20s when I could fuck anything with a pulse. 30s have also definitely slowed down as far as activity is concerned. In my 20s, I felt like I needed 20-30 guys to keep me satisfied because I had to have 3-5 a day! Now, has definitely calmed down to needing it once a day, maybe.

I also like variety. Can you imagine eating pizza for the rest of your life? To me, that's what monogamy is like. You need to experience different flavours. I never want to lock someone down to just me as far as sex is concerned. Why do you want to lock me away from the rest of the world never to experience another cock again? Jealousy? FOMO? These are things easily solved by meditation.
Concerns over STD's? Valid. Again, I do what I can to protect myself and those around me. Communication is the key to success here. Setting the right expectations. Set your boundaries. Go get tested! Get tested frequently as needed. Find a doctor you feel comfortable with who will help you, not scold you. They are here to help us, not be our parents.

What is a Friend to you?

Friends are fun. Friends will be there for you. You share things with your friends. Like love, there are many flavours of friends. Some are shallow, superficial and fake like acquaintances. Some are deep and probably closer than your partner. There is often a happy gray area between where you appreciate them, share with them and do things for and with them.

A friend to me is transient. They are one of the many faces you will encounter in your life. Some will be there for the majority of it, some just for a chapter, some just for a moment. It just depends on how much work they put into the friendship. You only get out what you put in. A friend to me is someone who engages and doesn't leave me hanging. A friend will tell me things I don't want to hear to my face. A friend doesn't play this silent game when they are upset with me. The tell me they are upset, why they are upset, and they tell me if they need time to think and taste their words before spitting them out. A friend wants to be my friend and isn't indifferent about my presence in their life. A friend is Real. A friend expresses themself no matter how beautiful or nasty it is. We'll decide what to do with the expression after the fact. A friend engages with me. A friend is there for me as I am there for them.

I reach out to those important to me. A friend reaches out too. Even a simple "good morning, I thought about ya" goes a long way. Friendship is a two-way street. I am loyal to my friends. I meet commitments made to my friends. I care about my friends. I will invite them to fun times and share the bad cries with them as well. I take good care of my friends and show them the love they deserve. A friend will listen, and share. I love to share headspaces with my friends and explore new ideas together.

Who am I?

I am an enigma. I am a huge puzzle box that will make Pandora's look like a mini Rubix cube with 1 color for each side.
I am a quantum creature. I exist in a state of superposition before collapsing the wave function into my existance as it is perceived before me.
I am a journey. Talk with me for a bit, and I'll take you on a mental stimulation ride the likes of which hasn't been seen yet. Stick around, and I might just show you the world.
I am abraisve. Dragons run deep in my history, mind, blood. Dragons have a sharp tongue.
I am erudite. I can speak intelligently about many subjects. From IT to Finance, to health, psychology, biology, insurance, advertisement, security, business models, design patterns. I know a lot, but I don't know it all. I'm studied is all I'm trying to say.
I am candor. I am sometimes a bit too honest and forward for some people. Fuck `em. Sounds like a personal problem. They usually thank me later for being so honest.
I am abnigation. I do things for others without thinking sometimes. I try to help as much as I can. Until recently, it was to a fault and great expense on my side. I'm working on finding a good balance.
I am dauntless. I will adventure where I set my heart. I am not afraid to fight for what I want, but will avoid damage if at all possible. Also, I will not hesitate to swiftly swing you on your ass if you charge at me. 😉

I am a complex man with simple needs. I have made my fair share of mistakes. I will make more. I have accepted my past. I'm working on my future. I am between ventures right now, planting the seeds for what will become in the next three to five or even seven years. We will see what evolves. Right now, I am grateful if you are still reading this far. I am grateful for this day. I am grateful for my connections and the relationships I do share with those in my life. I am grateful you are here. Thank you for coming to share a bit of this headspace with me for some time.